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  • Resolutions View
      by Catcher on January 3, 2020 at 13:34:53 PST

    I will...

    Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
    Stop drinking orange juice after I've just brushed my teeth.
    Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
    Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
    Watch more movie remakes.
    Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
    Only eat white snow.
    Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being interviewed.
    Spend less than $1,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
    Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.

    Technology-Related Resolutions
    I will...

    Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube.
    Check my work e-mail account at least once this year.
    Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
    Watch less TV . . . in standard definition.
    Stop buying worthless junk on eBay—because QVC has better specials.
    Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
    Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost-covered windshield.
    Avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play Rock Band instead of a real guitar.
    Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years.
    Talk with a robot voice all the time.

    Diet and Weight Management Resolutions
    I will...

    Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you'll never find it.
    Gain enough weight to get on "The Biggest Loser."
    Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year's holidays.
    Start smoking to lose weight.
    Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
    Lose weight by living on the moon.
    Find a more accurate scale.
    Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15.
    Stop buttering my doughnuts.
    Eat more fruit . . . snacks.

    . Money and Finances
    I will...

    Pay off my credit cards every month in full . . . with my other credit cards.
    Save some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store.
    Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I'm figuring my taxes.
    Look for investors for my "home office" business.
    Lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
    Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
    Borrow things more often. Return them less often.
    Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
    Buy a fire extinguisher—so my money won't burn a hole in my pocket.
    Stop throwing away money that could at least be burned for heat.

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