Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an
order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first,
sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah,
hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Smith. I see you
live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the
phone number is 494-2366. Your office
number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-
2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
Email address is smith@home.net Which
number are you calling from?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you
get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland
Security , sir. This will add only
15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to
order a couple of your All Meat
Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good
idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and
commode sensors indicate that you've got
very high blood pressure and extremely
high cholesterol. Your National Health
Care provider won't allow such an
unhealthy choice .

Customer: What?!?! What do you
recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat
Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like
something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet
Soybean Recipes' from your local library
last week, sir. That's why I made the
suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized ones, then

Operator: That should be plenty for you,
your wife and your four kids.
Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.
Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card
number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid
you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit
card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and
get some cash before your driver gets
here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir.
Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the
pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind,
sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If
you're in a hurry you might want to
pick'em up while you're out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a
scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears
on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid
for and you just filled the tank
yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your
language, sir. You've already got a
July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out
a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing
for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day
stay in the State Correctional Facility.
Is this your first pizza since your
return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else,
sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a
free 2 liter of Coke.